Thoughts on transit: a fucked up shoulder

Warning: Im using this post to let everything out so skip it if you dont want to go through it. Its a rant for myself so it'll just be word vomit.

The title pretty much explains it. I dislocated my shoulder for the 4rth time while snowboarding on February. I dislocated my right shoulder in grade 12 twice. I dislocated it a third time in 2010.

Ever since the first time it happened I realized I fucked myself up real bad. According to Dr. Google there is a 90% chance of dislocating the shoulder again after the first time for young people. Sure enough I ended up dislocating my shoulder 3 more times. Also keep in mind the shoulder gets more unstable after each dislocation.

Lets start off with the first time I dislocated my shoulder. I did it while bboying. It was a time in my life where i really got into bboying. I wanted to get into power. I could do handstands, one handed nikes, around 4-5 hand hops. Then one day i fell on my shoulder.

People wonder why kids like getting into 'stupid' stuff like 'breakdancing.' To me it was about doing something different and unique. Bboys can do things that seem physically impossible. Why wouldn t i want to be able to do the seemingly impossible? Why wouldnt i want to push myself to get to that level? Unfortunately for me I got injured. Because of the injury I would never be able to push my body to that kind of level. Think of something you really love to do. If you love doing something you strive to be the best at it. You have all the potential to reach your goals and even surpass them. Now what if at one point something happens that prevents you from reaching full potential. Thats why i can empathize for peoples injuries. Im not saying i was actually good at bboying... it just sucks that all that potential disappears.

Before feb 6th the last time it happened was 2010 so at the time I felt good, Im able to push myself again. I worked out every now and then, I got into snowboarding, longboarding, biking, dancing.

On Feb 6th I dislocated my shoulder snowboarding. What was going through my mind the instant it happened? 

I was set to snowboard at least 1 or 2 more times this season
I was set to go to a dance workshop a week after to learn from 3 professional dancers
I was set to go to fucking New Zealand the fucking adventure capital of the fucking world. I was set to go skydiving, bungeejumping. I wanted to try volunteering to work at a farm.

Because of that accident i realized I couldn't do those things anymore. Go back to when i mentioned loving something and having a moment kill all the potential. What bothered me the most is losing the choice. Losing the freedom to do certain things or not. Freedom is what this year was supposed to be about. Having the freedom to try new things. Having the freedom to chicken out of some activities if i wanted to.

I felt restricted. I thought about how I have to be in a sling for 2-3 weeks. How it takes at least a month for physiotherapy. How its my 4rth dislocation and not knowing if my shoulder would even be fine after 1 month. It could end up just being unstable. Dont tell me my shoulder will be fine after a month. It wont be. I know because Ive been through it already and it gets worse everytime. Its not a broken bone. It doesnt heal stronger.

The week following the injury i was depressed. I slept as much as I could to just get through it. I wanted to sleep because i didnt want to be awake. I constantly thought about not being able to do things i wanted to do. Not having the choice or the freedom anymore. Realizing you can't do something is the worst feeling in the world. "Can't" is a fucking terrible word.

During that week I watched a lot of movies. Before the injury i felt that i never had time to catch up on movies because there were so many other things to do. And there really was so many other things to do. Watching movies was just something to keep my mind busy. I showered maybe once that week.

After the week was over I just decided it was time to stop. It was necessary to go through that week because i needed to really think about the injury. Its just unfortunate and frustrating that my body cant keep up with what I want for myself.

To mark the end of that depression week i went out to buy a jacket. Retail therapy. It works.

I thought and decided that the new zealand trip can focus more on LOTR. Which is the main reason why i wanted to go in the first place.

It was nice to get out of that stage. Back on that emotional rollercoaster of being nervous, anxious and excited about the trip. Its great to feel optimistic again. But i the same pessimistic thoughts will always be on the back of my mind. Its not that im always depressed inside. Its just unfortunate that this had to happen.